Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of

<U2! I love you guys! Don't sue me!>

Listen to U2's Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyOaj3nv9H4&feature=fvst

Learn more about Schizophrenia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia

When I was in college, Z was my partner in crime. My sidekick. Well, one of my sidekicks coz I had a few. I'm no Miss Congeniality but I always had someone to skip class and go watch a movie or split a pizza with. I was lucky that way. Some people go through life feeling unwanted and friendless. But we'll talk about that later coz this post is about Z.

 Actually, we'd met much earlier in high school but she was in a different class. In one of my previous posts I wrote about having an opinionated dad. My mom is a different story. She's a Constant Worrier. My brother is almost 30 and she worries if he's had lunch. The cat passes by and she starts fretting if it stole the fish she bought this morning. I mean, the fish is in the fridge and as far as I know Paddy the Irish Rebel Cat hasn't learnt to open the fridge door yet, wily though he is.

Anyway, back to Z. She put up with all my idiosyncracies. Me, daughter of Mr-I-Think-Everybody-Is-Stupid and Mrs Constantly-Worrying-About-Everything. <I love my parents, don't get me wrong. But they are who they are and  I rant with affection ok> I must have been hell to put up with but she did it anyway. Sometimes she annoyed the s**t out of me because she followed me all over campus, especially when I wanted to stalk Taib Iskandar the Handsome Nerd at the library. I mean, there are just some things you do alone. LOL.

But the best thing she ever did for me, long before Eckhardt Tolle decided that planet earth needed an overhaul, was to teach me to live in the moment. I was born a worrier like my mom, but I never realized it til I met Z. Before an outing, I would worry about the bus. Would we be able to catch the bus on time to make the 3pm screening of The Matrix? I mean if I missed the first shot of Keanu Reeves I would just die. And what if the bus took a detour and we had to get off at an unfamiliar stop? How would we ever get to the cineplex?

Z would listen to all this and say; "Shut up and stop worrying!". Then I'd tell her, "But what if..." She'd cut me off and say "It hasn't happened. Why must you worry about things that haven't happened?" and add, "Why do you have to be miserable now when nothing bad has happened? You can be miserable all you want when disaster does strike."

Z was wise, though she didn't know it then. If she was more into literature, she'd probably say 'Carpe Diem!' <But she wasn't. She hated literary studies>

Gradually I realized that because of Z, I stopped worrying unnecessarily. I'm not all Zen now, but I don't spend hours contemplating 100 bad things that could happen before starting anything. I've learnt to 'chill' thanks to Z.

After college, we kept in touch and would even occasionally meet for coffee. (This was a record because I'm hopeless at keeping in touch with people). Then I got a new job and two years passed without any news from Z. Out of the blue, a mutual friend contacted me and said that she had bad news about Z.

I never thought that things would turn out this way for her.

Z to me always had a charmed life. She always had thousands of ringgit in the bank because her parents were well off. When the computer lab got too crowded, she bought a Compaq (much to my envy, coz I lived 100% on my scholarship) without asking for a cent less. I ate instant noodles coz I was broke. For Z, instant noodles was 'something different to eat' when she got bored with McDonald's.

So when I was told that Z had had a nervous breakdown, I was shocked. Why would she be depressed about anything? She has everything.

She did not return any of my calls or texts. Then one day she texted me. She'd been diagnozed with schizophrenia. Schizophrenia? Z?

"Pray for me coz I'll never be the same again. I hear voices telling me I'm worthless. I don't deserve to live. The drugs help drown the voices out. I hate them! But if I stop taking them I'll be in pain all day. I don't know how to describe the pain. You're lucky, you know. You're happy. That means you have everything."

Schizophrenia. It's not something you can cure with self-help books and positive thinking. I don't know what to say about this. There's nothing I can do about it, except pray and be there for her, though she rarely contacts me now. Once in a while she would text me, and it would always end with "Pray for me."

I do, Z. I do pray for you. There isn't anything else I can do. The irony of it all is you were the one who freed me from my anxieties. I'm so sorry I can't do the same for you.

Z used to love U2. Actually, I think she really wasn't that much into them. I think she just liked what I liked ;)
These lines by U2 will always remind me of what Z taught me:

"And you are such a fool
To worry like you do
I know it's tough, and you can never get enough
Of what you don't really need now ... my oh my 

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it
Oh love look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it 

I never thought you were a fool

But darling, look at you
You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight
These tears are going nowhere, baby "

   But that's exacly what schizophrenia is, isn't it? Being stuck in a moment you can't get out of. I complain all day about my job, my weight, my lazy   slob siblings. Z always hits the nail right on the head, and always without    realizing it.
 "You're happy. You have everything."